I'll Be There For You

I've got this damned Bon Jovi song stuck in my head, and worse! My brain keeps thinking of new lyrics for the chorus.

Original:
I'll be there for you...these my words I swear to you
When you breathe, I wanna be the air for you...

New versions:
When you sit, I wanna hold the chair for you
If you're naked, I'll strip down bare for you
If you've got a quarter, I'll call someone who cares for you
If you pick the truth, you know I'll do the dare for you
If you go deaf, you know I'll swab your ear for you
If you cheat, I'll lie and say it's fair for you
If you drive, you know I'll shift the gear for you
If you're dirty, you know I'll wash your hair for you
If you play, you know I'll shout a cheer for you
If you cave, I'll look out for a lair for you
If you ride a stallion, you know I'll ride the mare for you
If you're a child, I wanna be the au pair for you
If you want steak, you know I'll cook it rare for you
If you're up, you know I'll take the stairs for you
If you die, you know I'll shed a tear for you
On Halloween, there's nothing I won't wear for you
You go to jail, you know I'll wait a year for you
If you get old, I'll dye my hair grayer for you
If you get mooned, I'll bare my derriere for you
If you paint, I'll go and rent a sprayer for you
If you want, I'll listen to John Mayer for you
If you hunt, I'll track down all the deer for you
If you fly, I'll pilot a new Lear for you
If you drink, I'll buy up all the beer for you
If you want cheese, I wanna buy gruyere for you
If you're bored, I'll watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air with you
If you like Dune, I'll be Jose' Ferrer for you
On Halloween, I'll give the kids a scare for you

Someday, they'll come up with a cure for this condition.